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2022-02-20

my mom asked me a question the other day that i’m still thinking about

why don’t you like doing the things you don’t like?

this wasn’t a philosophical question. she was criticizing the way i say no to things i don’t want to do...like why don’t I want to eat something I don’t like

it’s interesting because she often tells me she thinks my father was an adulterer because she’s so boring and has no hobbies or opinions (which is a lot to unpack and i don’t have the energy to do that now), but it also seems like she doesn’t understand why other people would want to have hobbies or opinions either

it’s also funny because growing up, she always berated me for saying “i don’t know” and now that i finally have something that i know, it’s also something to scold about

saying no is so powerful

a friend and i went out for drinks and a guy came to talk to me and my friend was really impressed when i told him i wasn’t interested and to have a good night.

(hit me up if u need someone to set up boundaries for u)

on the other hand, i reached out to a new friend to let them know they’re in my thoughts and they didn’t reply and i am spiraling. did i go too far? is that weird? making friends is so hard

things that come naturally to me:
- saying no when i’m not in the mood

things that make my palms sweaty:
- taking that extra step to get closer to someone

really good at setting up walls, really bad at breaking them down
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that was then   but this is now   what is next?

home   is this still me?